


Choices

by robron_til_the_end



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-22
Updated: 2017-05-26
Packaged: 2018-11-03 18:06:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10972581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robron_til_the_end/pseuds/robron_til_the_end
Summary: What I anticipate coming this week. All of this is done from first person, (Aaron and Robert) and mainly it's an excuse for my rambling thoughts.Probably going to diverge from canon a little bit from ch 4 onward.





	1. Chapter 1

I made a difficult decision, an impossible decision when I made the choice to keep Robert in my life, to try and work through our relationship. I know people think I’m an idiot, but it’s no one’s business but mine why I made that choice. I see the way people look at me, look at Robert as if they have a leg to stand on when it comes to fidelity. Hardly a month goes by without someone cheating in this village. I know why I did it, and I know why Robert did it in the first place. Which helps.

He told me the truth. And I was with Robert when he squirmed and lied about an affair, needing to cover the truth at all costs, because _I was_ that affair. And I can tell the difference. One drunken mistake is not the same as a month long liaison or more, and while I hate the thought of Robert with his hands on someone else, someone else touching his beautiful body, I believe him when he told me that feelings weren’t involved. At least for him. And I know that if it hadn’t been for mum, Robert would have told me that day in prison, the first opportunity he had. I knew there was something else, I was just too afraid to push him for more, afraid of what I might hear when I was craving for a fix. And I hate that it’s her. The person I always feared he’d go to, much more like his “normal” type before I came along. But he told me the truth, and from a liar like I know he is, that’s worth something.

As is the fact that mum knew the truth and let him live. I spent weeks with her in Mauritius and she didn’t say anything, and she could have. All she said is that Robert was seriously struggling while I was in prison. Two businesses, a new house to renovate, Liv’s school problems, then me piling it on that I was taking Spice and that I didn’t want Robert any more… Well, yeah, I understand. That doesn’t mean I can forgive, and I’m sure as hell not there yet.

I don’t trust him. I’ve always had problems with trust and this really isn’t going to help. I don’t know if I ever will trust Robert again, I want to but he’s shattered it now. Well, I’m not prepared to give up without even trying to repair the damage and he wants to as well. And I damaged us too, but anyone who knows Robert knows he always has to go one better, make a bad mess even worse.

He thought I’d leave him. Robert was waiting for me to leave, I could see it all over his guilt ridden face. I asked if he wanted to leave me, because if he’d had enough, I’d go. Not like I haven’t spent some time pushing him away in the past, but he was so adamant that he wanted me… maybe it makes me a fool for believing him, but I do. Over the years I’ve known him, I can tell when he’s lying. Or not always, but certainly when he’s hiding something. I can read him well, and I know he means it.

We’re not right, we’re not back to normal and how good our normal life between us can be, but I’m going to stand by him. It would be so much easier if I didn’t love him, because I’d chuck him and move on with my life. But even with it being complicated and messy, I’d rather have him in my life than out of it. And that’s before I even get to the baby. But that’s a different story I’m not sure I can cope with yet.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I managed to do a tiny bit more, thank you for the encouragement on chapter one!!

I don’t understand Robert. This is not a new feeling, but I’ve not felt this out of touch with him in quite a few months. I don’t understand how he can so willfully ignore his child. I believe him when he says he doesn’t want anything to do with Rebecca, maybe I shouldn’t but I do. But he seems to have completely shut off the part of himself that has to deal with this. His baby isn’t going away, and while personally I don’t like it, I feel that him cutting himself off from this is worse. He knows as well as I do what it feels like to be abandoned, to feel like you have absolutely no one. And he wants to subject it onto his own child? I don’t understand.

Maybe he thinks I’ll leave him if he shows any interest in this baby, which I wouldn’t. I‘ve already made the choice to stay with him, I won‘t change it because he decides to be a parent, now that we‘re in this mess of a situation. The point is, I don’t know because he won’t talk to me. Or not about this, he keeps saying he’s sorry, he keeps looking at me with guilt, which I don’t need to be convinced of. I know he’s sorry, and that doesn’t make it right. And it doesn’t make it easier to forgive either, though I’m working on it.

Liv called yesterday. She knows something’s up but I can’t bring myself to be the one to tell her. Robert’s the one who slept with Rebecca, Robert’s the one who cheated, he can be the one to tell Liv that he’s shaken up our lives and our home. And he won’t tell Liv until she’s back in Yorkshire, I know that much. While we were all in Mauritius I saw that the bond between Liv and Robert had got much stronger while I was inside. And he broke that too. 

Just because I’ve decided to try and forgive, to move past it doesn’t mean I can simply gloss over the damage he’s done to us. I thought this was it, I spent a long time when I was locked up reliving our wedding day, and countless other days spent with him. I really allowed myself to believe Robert would only ever want me. Idiot.

But Robert loves Liv, I know he does. It’s not just because she came with me and he’s stuck with her. This is someone he’s not related to, someone who’s technically and legally nothing to him. And he can so callously turn away from his biological child? I don’t get it, and I don’t think I ever will until Robert decides to stop being stubborn and actually talk to me.

 


	3. Robert

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is from Robert's pov. I hope someone's reading, and thank you for the encouragement, though I've got to say I'm seriously struggling after this weeks episodes so far.

He stayed with me. I can’t believe he’s actually here and he hasn’t thrown me out. I'm sleeping on the sofa, but I think that’s more because I can’t face the bedroom for quite a few reasons, not least that it happened there. And I told Aaron the truth there. The yelling, the crying, the conversations that lasted hours. I didn’t know why we kept going over and over it at the time because our relationship was obviously over. It didn’t make any sense that he wasn’t throwing me out the door or punching me. I almost wished he had, because he can’t hate me as much as I hate myself. Aaron hasn’t exactly invited me into our bedroom, but he’s not questioned why I’m sleeping on the sofa either. I don’t care, I’m too wary to make any decisions that will make him realise that, in fact, I’m not worth the effort.

I know it doesn’t help him to say it was just sex, but that seemed to be all I was capable of. He asked me to put a number on it, and I didn’t understand. Aaron’s first assumption was that it was an ongoing affair, and he wanted to know how long…. Well, I can’t really blame him for that, can I? What with my history. He did look a little relieved when I said it was just once, I must have looked convincing and honest because he didn’t question it. Questioned a lot of other things, but not that.

He asked me why, and while I have a reason, it’s not a good one. Apparently being drunk and hurt, and wanting to hurt Aaron as much as possible at the time isn’t a good defence, even though it’s the true one.

It’s so ironic. I cheat on the one person I never thought I would, never even wanted to, and he’s the kind of person who would give me a chance afterwards? It almost makes it worse. He’s a good person, and I do this to him? I was expecting him to chuck me out, and I know he considered it, could see the possibility on his face. I even walked to the door in a lull in the conversation, when it seemed we had nothing left to talk about, beat him to it. I stood there, before he asked me where I thought I was going. I told him Vic’s, though I doubt she’d have let me stay once I’d explained why. Aaron told me I wasn’t getting out of it that easily. And I looked at him, and began to have a tiny fraction of hope.

I have no idea if it’s even possible for our relationship to be repaired, I don’t know how I would feel if it was the other way around. Someone with Aaron while I was away or in prison… actually I do know how I’d feel. Angry, hurt, jealous even. That someone else got a part of him that only I’m supposed to see. And I ruined that with whisky and poor judgement.

Which brings me back to the point, I can’t believe he’s still here, still in the same house as me. Though he keeps wanting to talk about Rebecca’s baby, and I can’t. It wasn’t my decision to keep it, so why do I have to have input now? I thought he’d want to forget about her and her pregnancy but Aaron keeps bringing it up. Sometimes I think I understand him better than anyone else, and then he acts like this? It doesn’t make sense.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another Robert chapter, but more of a plot here. Thank you, and I hope at least someone is enjoying this!!

Aaron kissed me today. Kissed me like before, like one day he could want me again. It wasn’t one of those gentle reassuring ones, and I’ve missed him, though I didn’t push. My entire body wants him, but I don’t dare to push him somewhere he isn’t ready for. I’m not sure if Aaron will ever want me like that again, properly. I know he said we’d try, but I also know we’re on dangerous ground, I can feel it. We’re living in the same house, existing, but there is a distance between us I hate. And I hate how most conversations have Rebecca in them, or around the edges. Like we can’t get away from her. Sleeping with her was the biggest mistake of my life, it would have been even if I had managed to get away with it. Because lying to Aaron is so hard and painful and…

My phone buzzes and I see Vic’s number. She isn’t happy with me for several reasons and I debate not answering it before I give in. She’s still my baby sister after all.

“I’m not in the mood for a lecture.”

“Rebecca’s been rushed to hospital with stomach pains,” Vic says quickly. My heart races. “They think it might be a miscarriage and I thought you’d want to know.” The conversation ends quickly and my arms hanging by my side as I try and think this through. I don’t even know how I should be feeling, relief? Fear? and then Aaron’s there asking me who was on the phone.

“No one.” It’s obvious he doesn’t trust me or believe me, but then, why would he? “It was Vic. Check the call history if you want.” I hold out my phone for him but he shakes his head.

“What did she want?”

“Rebecca’s having stomach pains,” I tell him. “ That’s all I know.”

“So you’re going to the hospital?” Aaron asks, bracing himself.

“No.” Honestly, why would I?

“Robert…”

“It’s not my business, it’s not my choice,” I tell him with a shrug. He needs to know I’m serious, that I meant it when I chose him above anything she could give me. And after all, I told Rebecca to abort this baby, it’s not like I can go around claiming parental rights, is it?

“How can you be so thoughtless?” Aaron asks. This brings me up short because it isn’t how I expected him to react. I thought he’d be pleased. “It’s your baby.”

“It’s nothing,” I tell him. “Aaron, you’re everything, this is nothing.” He scoffs, and starts getting uncomfortable.

“You need to go and find out what’s going on,” Aaron says. I’m shaking my head, but he isn’t finished. “Go to the hospital, because if you don’t, I’ll have to. Please don’t do that to me Robert. I’m not ready to see Rebecca, whatever this means.”

I don’t want to go. The hospital is about the last place I want to be right now. But for him, I will. I’d do anything Aaron asked of me, and he knows it. “I won’t be long.” I kiss him on the cheek, the only light touch he’ll allow me to have and I go to my car.

* * *

 

In the end, I don’t have to go far. I don’t even have to humiliate myself by asking at the hospital reception, Rebecca is tapping away on her phone, sat on a hospital plastic chair, Chrissie standing over her almost like a guard dog.

“Victoria called,” I say in explanation, because I look likely to be just about the last person they want to see. I’m about to say Aaron made me come here, but I doubt that would improve the situation either. “Are you all right?” I settle on. I may hate her for the damage she’s done to my marriage, the damage we _both_ did to my marriage, but I wouldn’t want her to be seriously ill either.

“No, she is not all right,” Chrissie snaps. But I’m looking at Rebecca, with tears in her eyes. 

“Did you…”

“You’re off the hook,” Rebecca says. “No baby, all gone. Go back to your lying and cheating and hope Aaron doesn’t come to his senses for a little bit longer.” She looks seriously upset, and I have nothing to say. I didn’t want this, any of this, but I thought this was just her plan to try and get me back in her life. I didn’t expect her to be this hurt over the loss. Maybe I didn't think at all and that was the problem.

“Oh,” I say, which is completely useless.

“Just get out,” Rebecca says under her breath. “You can’t help, just go.” I take her advice, because I’d be useless there anyway. No baby. Aaron could forgive me before, maybe he'll forgive me now it's less complicated? Maybe it makes me a horrible person, but that's all that's in my mind right now. Aaron comes first.


End file.
